O Hello, Resentment

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Guys, I am starting to have a major issue. I am starting to find that every time I realize something needs cleaned, or I go to clean something, I feel resentful toward Fiancé.

Lately I will just not do the dishes or will eventually ask him to do them, of which he will get around to doing. But, that isn’t as much of an issue anymore. It is other things that I finding myself getting really upset about.

Scrubbing the bathtub.
Dusting.
Sweeping.
Cleaning the toilet.
Washing the bedding.
Cleaning the sinks.
Washing the counters.
Cleaning the floors.
Him not painting the molding against the bookshelf (meaning I still haven’t unpacked numerous boxes because they all go on the bookshelf. It has been 4 months since I have been here).
Not helping me take empty boxes down to our basement space.

And what happens if we ever get in a fight? I bring this all up. It has even gotten to the point where he knows I will bring it up and/or that I am always upset/nagging him about it. I have even tried to talk to him about the fact that he doesn’t help around the house, but he always gets really defensive. Or, in the case of painting the molding, he always says he will do it tonight or next weekend, but never does. I have even asked, numerous times, for him to just tell me what I have to do (because it needs sealed first) and I will do it myself. Does he? No.

Why can’t he just clean? Why doesn’t he just help me out, and then I would be a lot nicer to him? Why do I even have to ask him?

It is getting to the point where I am about to go on strike. Cook your own food. Live in filth. And no sexy times of any nature until he does more than just empty and load the dishwasher.

Except I am fearful of doing “Live in filth” because I know it won’t bother him. Please help me. Any advice at all and I will be forever be indebted to you.

10 responses »

  1. (I just finished reading your blog and realized that I mention said Fiance’s name in my comment and you obviously have not been mention his real name…..so i copied and pasted my comment without his name so you could delete the other one… )

    HA. Story of my life! This seems to be a recurring argument between Brett and me. If I try the “let him live in filth” tactic, he just blames me when the apartment gets too dirty. “No sexy times” tactic just means “very irritable Brett times.” (Believe me, it’s not really worth it.) One tactic that worked was when he upset me about the dirty apartment, I went on a cleaning spree…. then I began spotting (I was 11 weeks pregnant at that time) and had to call him home from work to go to the ER. I got a really big “sorry” after that ordeal. Of course that won’t work in your case because you’re not pregnant, and if you were, I wouldn’t wish that scare on anybody. Of course, Brett felt bad and did some more chores for a couple of weeks afterwards.

    One thing that does work for a bit is if you make a big deal about any little thing he does. Like if Brett does vacuum or do the dishes (whether I asked him to or not), I make a point to thank him. Of course, don’t expect that thanks to be reciprocated when you do any of these things (note sarcasm).

    It’s difficult – I don’t know what else to say. I’ve been dealing with it for 5 years and it’s always the same old same old. I don’t even understand it because Brett wasn’t raised like that… to just expect others to do the housework. Of course, I don’t know how it was like for your fiance, either.

    Anyway, that’s my two cents. Good luck.

    Kim

    • See, I can see it being passed on from his life as a kid. His family has very gender based family roles so he was expected to help his dad out all the time. Heck, to even come home from college to mow the lawn (school was 30 minutes from home). And the oldest girl in the family was required to almost be a second mom to the two young kids (even still), and do all the cleaning and cooking when her mom wasn’t around. So I can understand why he doesn’t understand cleaning, but still. There is no way he doesn’t get how easy his life would be if he just helped out.

  2. I feel the same way with my hubby. He does help out sometimes but more often than not i end up doing most the work. We fight about it too. There doesnt seem to be an easy way to deal with it. men are just stupid sometimes.

  3. You know, when you first move in with a guy it’s like they are on best behavior. Of course they don’t realize that even their best behavior is sometimes disgusting. However, then they relax on even those actions and it’s almost like they are trying to test you. They’ve always had someone to care for them, pick up after them… and even when they haven’t, it hasn’t bothered them that much. As you said, living in filth might not matter to him. But how far can he push you? Of course you won’t want to live in filth. You should have to. But he needs to help whether he wants to or not.

    Guys may wonder why women nag them, but it’s times like these that we have perfectly good reason to. You’ve only been there 4 months, but if he expects you to do everything now, what does he expect you to do in 4 years? Probably the exact same thing and more. So set the ground rules early. If you have to, assign chores like you would a child. Decide consequences. We do have quite a bit of sway over guys at times. They do need us for some things after all. So stand your ground. If he wants to act like a child, treat him as such. Hopefully he learns quickly.

    • See, I am praying it can’t get too much worse in 4 years. Maybe we are just unusual because we have been dating for almost 7.5 years? I also finding it hard to have to deal with a kid at home, because I deal with middle schoolers all day. I’ve told him that before, that I don’t want to have to come home to a middle schooler too. Thank you for the advice :)

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