Home Isn’t Where the Heart is.

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I am in a funk.

I am not happy. I am depressed. And I feel like this house is not my home.

This idea of a new city went from being scary, to being, “Ooo, this could be an adventure,” to, “I want out and I want to go home.”

I don’t have a job and I feel like all I do is sit around and do the following:

a) watch tv/play on the computer
b) clean
c) paint/organize/put things away
d) go grocery shopping
e) cook dinner and then clean up the dinner mess

And then it gets thrown in my face that I just sit around all day and do nothing.

I have no friends here. I’m not a giant fan of doing things by myself, but that is what it is turning into.

Thankfully I have two different job interviews for subbing on Thursday. But until then, what can I do?

I can’t do anything. I can’t control the fact that I have no job. So why do I get punished for it? Especially when he does the exact same thing as me when he gets home from lab/work. He sits on his ass in front of the tv, that he only half watches, gets on 4chan, talks to his friends online and I just mope around the house and find something to do.

According to him I always have attitude, even if I just ask him something. And he can never do something at that moment. It always has to be later or the next day. Or, “Can’t I just take out the trash out tomorrow when I go to lab, when I am going to be going outside? Why do I have to do it now?” Because I need to be able to use the trash but it is full. I guess I just need to learn to do more things myself.

I feel alone. At least I have Pumpkin Spice Lattes now.

Sorry for the depressing post.

Update: It’s surprising how much a little communication can fix things. We talked some and things are much better now. Frankly, I think this is where a lot of his communication skills lack because I guess he didn’t mean that I just sit around and do nothing all day. Ah well, boys are confusing creatures.

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5 responses »

  1. Sigh. Been there. Done that. I learned that keeping my mouth shut was the best option because : 1. Whatever I asked wasn’t going to get done. 2. I was going to be “nagging” regardless of what I said, or how I said it. 3. If it did get done, there was going to be an attitude associated with. I got enough attitude from my children, I sure didnt need it from him.

    We went to counseling, and our counselor told him that he didnt need to live up to my “expectations of a clean house”. If the trash can be taken out tomorrow, then he can take it out tomorrow. If the dishes could be cleaned tonight, then they didnt need to be cleaned now. Unless the housework was posing a physical risk to our families health and well being, I didnt need to bug him to do it, I could do it myself. OOOooooohhh boy, did he run away with that one. So, consequently, I ended up doing all the housework.

    The situation is what I like to call a “Power and Control” situation. Figure out what you have power and control over, take care of and dont worry about the rest (psssst: because you cant do anything about what you dont have control over!)

    It sounds like you are being proactive at this point. Just make sure you continue to be. Set up a couple more interviews, in case these two dont pan out. Think long term. Dont stress. Be confident. You can. You will. So do it!

  2. Ahh thank you for the words of encouragement. He texted me today while he was at lab and asked how I was today, and I told him I was pretending to be happy. And in the end, he doesn’t even remember the things he said to me because he was half asleep (he must have fallen asleep). So that’s lovely. Now I get to have this conversation again with him tonight. I’m doing my best to stay proactive and I wish I could set up more interviews. But alas, trying to be a teacher isn’t the same as applying for other jobs. At least I have (what I think to have) at 95% chance of getting a subbing job, since I have my Masters.

  3. Living with someone else isn’t always easy, as you know from your uni experiences, but it can be even harder when it’s your other half.

    I used to ask Ben to do things and he’d give me the same answers “I’ll do it later” So then I wouldn’t ask anymore, and I would eventually explode on him in a rainy, lava shower of d00m, which wasn’t good for either of us. He would turn around and help out more for a little while, but things would eventually fall back on me to do.

    Nowadays (many years later), I’ve come to the realization that if I want something done, I have to do it myself, or wait for it to be done. We do have a few rules set into place — if I come in and he’s on the computer, he’s not allowed to get an attitude with me when I ask him something, because it hurts my feelings. Same goes for me, though — if he wants something while I’m on the computer, I’m not allowed to get an attitude with him.

    I’ve learned to ask him to do things while he’s up and walking before he sits down. Chances are he’ll actually do it. Or, I suggest a timeframe for the thing I want him to do. “Can you take out the bins tonight before we go to bed?” etc. That way, he still gets to have a say on when it needs to be done. They’re like big kids, you know.

    I used to also go on strike every 6 months or so, but guys can live in filth and stench and clutter for much longer than I can, so I’d eventually break down and explode and clean. Again, no good for anyone.

    Maybe one day he’ll understand why having a clean rubbish bin makes you feel better, but until then, don’t expect much.

    I don’t mind doing all the housework, as long as it is appreciated. I think I actually prefer to do most things myself, because I like them done my way. But I’ll tell you one thing living through all the earthquakes here taught me is that it really doesn’t matter. None of it does. What matters is that you have each other.

    So my suggestion would be to get out with him a bit out of the house, and while he’s at the lab, actually go out and explore the town yourself. Join a zumba class or something, meet some new people. Put yourself out there so you’re not so dependent on him and it will be better for both of you. ❤

  4. M & I went through this quite a bit when we first started out. Since I’m a housewife now clearly the household tasks are my job, but there are still things I ask him to do that I don’t deem part of that. Gwen’s right, they’re much like children.

    When we first started M played a computer game almost constantly. He would get upset with me when I would ask him to do ANYTHING…whether it be cleaning or just hanging out with me. He had bigger issues with anger then, and in the end it wound up with him throwing his computer into the livingroom and leaving it there for days. After that apparently he realized how silly it was and decided that if I asked to go see a movie or something, to do it. We’d plan things and he’d get his game time, and when he spent that little time with me, I’d bug him about it less frequently. I also started playing it with him.
    I’m off topic.

    Learning to live together is hard. It’s when you REALLY learn all the little quirks that drive you mad. I might be in charge of doing all the laundry, but if the laundry isn’t in the laundry basket on the day that I do it…it waits until the next time. I refuse to pick his laundry up from the floor. Socks are my biggest pet peeve, and if they are left anywhere but in the bedroom for more than a day or two I simply throw them away. Once he started finding all his socks in the trash cans around the house, they started making their way to the bedroom laundry pile and eventually the basket.

    But when we both worked, we had the same arguments. Because I was a girl, it didn’t matter that I worked also. Everything but the trash was my responsibility to him.

    As far as making the house your home…it will take lots of time. The painting and unpacking will help – you get to place things where you want and make things the colors you like. I’d just keep telling Fiance how you feel about this. Not including the chores, because I think that’s prolly just going to be an ongoing issue, but that you feel alone and you want to feel like this is your home and he needs to be there to help you through that. Does he have friends there? If you can stand them, maybe have them over more? For game nights or something? If they have partners you can start to get to know them if they join in.

  5. In the past ten years I moved from the West Coast to the East Coast to the Midwest and now Northwest. It is a struggle to adjust to a new life, particularly when you don’t have friends. I used to get in my car and just drive and try and figure out the landscape. When my husband would get home I would often tell him what I discovered, i.e. new restaurant, book store, etc. It took awhile, but today, I still have great friendships from everywhere I lived. Hang in there. Once you land your job, life will find you!

    Julie

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