Tag Archives: Dead

I’m Sorry

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*Does the walk of shame*

Hi. I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’s been awhile, how was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully well.

I promise I can explain. You know how I got sick? Well, it just wouldn’t go away. To the point where all I did everyday was lay on the couch, watch television or netflix, and not eat that much.

I know. I am as surprised as you are. In fact, I still have a mild cough. Ugh.

I also was at my sister’s house for Thanksgiving, three hours away. And frankly, the adorable 4 month old cuteness of my nephew will always beat out this blog.

No worries, though. When I returned home today I found out that Fiancé went pee in the toilet yesterday morning, before leaving, and didn’t flush it. So I came home to pee in the toilet. Yay.

This obviously means I’m not short on material.

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Karma Is a Bitch

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So remember how I was super proud of myself for not being dead and managing to not get sick?

Just kidding.

I should have known my time was limited. Symptoms of a “heavy chest” showed up on Friday night and I was a little worried. Then the cough started on Saturday. By Sunday, it was a full on, “OMG noooo. I’m sick.” And then today, I woke up feeling AWFUL.

In fact, I hadn’t felt as bad as I did this morning in a long time.

Thankfully, I called into the school yesterday and told them I was not available to substitute teach today or tomorrow. I can only hope that my bronchitis, that I online self diagnosed, is somewhat better by Wednesday.

Until then, Fiancé suggested I watch a lot of Lifetime. That is an offer I cannot refuse.

My Body Hates Me

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Why is it when you really need to go to sleep, your body is like, “No thank you, body. I’d rather hate my life tomorrow!” Silly body, why do you do these things to me? Why can’t you be more like Fiancé, who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat?

It started off with me getting a phone call at 9:17 p.m. to substitute teach tomorrow for a 6th grade social studies class. Of course I accepted; it’s money!! But, I also thought in my brain, “OMG yuck! I strongly dislike social studies and it is by far my least qualified subject area.”

And then my next thought came out, “How the Hell am I going to fall asleep tonight?” The previous night I had one generous glass of wine and was ready to pass out after that. So, of course, I figured, “O, I’ll just have another glass tonight and be able to pass out.”

WRONG.

Here I am, going to bed at 11:30 p.m., pleased that I am about to pass out and get a lot of sleep. Heck, I will even be able to wake up early and actually do my hair for once.

I lay in bed and checked my phone, 12:00 a.m.

Shit.

I continued to lie in bed and checked my phone again, 12:30 a.m.

Double shit.

At this point I texted the Fiancé and complained that I couldn’t fall asleep. He tells me to try some warm milk, I reply that I had brushed my teeth! He says sleepy time tea, I say no. He then told me to, “just try and close your eyes.”

Ha! That is easier than it seems. I attempted to then “meditate”, AKA simply focus on my breathing. I must have eventually fallen asleep, and I think I even had a conversation with Fiancé when he came in for bed. What I said, I have no clue.

I woke up in total fear. Turns out, I then had a dream that I woke up at 1 p.m. and didn’t show up for my subbing job. Which, if I actually did that, would mean I was fired. Dislike.

I checked my phone and then realized it was 3:30 a.m.

And then I woke up at 4:30 a.m.

My alarm finally awoke me at 5:30 a.m. so that I could go get ready.

And here we are, 10:13 a.m. during one of the planning periods and I am writing this to post later on. So far I am not going to pass out, but give me till about 1:30 p.m., when I will have taught the same thing twice already and about to go for a third go around.

And, $20 says that when I get home tonight I am going to pass the eff out, only wake up to cook dinner and eat, and then not be able to fall asleep again tonight.

Stupid naps. Stupid body.

How I Might Be Disowned By My Soon To Be In-Law Family

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Fiancé’s younger sister just turned 21 and I wanted to take her out to my favorite bar at home in Columbus. It is a dueling piano bar and they play cover songs all night. So the bar turns into people that are happy and everyone is singing along to songs like Piano Man, American Pie, Brown Eyed Girl, and even some Lady Gaga songs. They know how to play everything and they rock. The two people playing the piano face each other and sometimes other workers will come play the drums, sax, or violin. I think you can understand why I love this place.

His sister was super excited all week, as was I. We were having a great time and we talked about her drinking and how much she has drank in the past. So as she is drinking she is comparing in her mind how much she has drank before to decide if she is drunk or not. I should have realized then that the night wasn’t going to end well.

Let me give you a run down of her consumption during the night:
-Bud Light
-Home apple pie
-Bud Light
-Cherry Bomb
-Cherry Bomb
-½ Bud Light

And then 2 waters at the bar and 2 waters on the way home. And the shots there were strange, since they put them in plastic cups so they ended up being doubles.

After drink number two she was talking about one of the songs they were playing and she says something, to which I ask her to repeat. She says it again, slurring, and I have to sit there and think about what she said before I realize she said, “I think this is a Disney song!!” And then she refused to accept that she was slurring her words.

Oy. So I spent the night trying to tell her that she was drunk but she refused to accept that she was drunk. Now, naturally, she is a chatterbox when sober. But when drunk…she just doesn’t shut up. She also hits your leg a lot/leans on you (we were sitting) to get your attention, to the point that you start to fear your leg will go numb.

We decided to leave when she pulled the whole look of drooping her head and looking like she was about to pass out. That is when she finally admitted to herself that she was drunk.

And I thought to myself, “Mission accomplished.” That is, until we were at the Wendy’s drive thru because she wanted food. Not even a second after I was given the food and they shut the drive thru door, she opened up her door and threw up 5 times. 5 TIMES!

And this is when I realized, “O shit. Her mom is going to kill me and I am going to get disowned before I am even a part of the family.”

But I also figured, heck-it’ll be okay. She only got sick once. And then I got her home.

She opened the door up and got sick right next to her dad’s car about 5 more times.

Awesome. At this point I feared for my state within the family while she continued to say it was fine. So I texted her that night to see how she was so she would see it in the morning.

I woke up to a text saying she got sick 6 different times during the night and finally stopped at 8am. What the hell did I do?! I had no chance anymore. I feared her mom might murder me on the spot and I would never be allowed to take her out again.

So I casually asked her, “So, am I getting disowned?” To which she replied, “No. My dad thinks it is all funny and my mom is just annoying me.”

O thanks be to God! Glad to know I still have a chance to get kicked out of the family in the coming months.

P.S. I have found the answer on why she got so sick! She told me she didn’t really eat much yesterday and her “dinner” was a bagel at 4:30pm. We left at 9pm to go out. N00b.